Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
by Oboebyrd
Summary: A SATIRICAL look at writing the 'perfect' LOTR fanfictions. I update for the glory of Gil-Galad.
1. Oboebyrd's Disclaimer

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

--A SATIRICAL look at the formulas used in popular types of fanfiction.

I felt it was necessary to put a little disclaimer on here. First of all, it is rated as such because I will use 'foul' words in a text-book type sense. Second of all, because I know SOMEONE will flame me for this.

Please don't condemn me from quoting examples from your piece of writing or talking about your story specifically. I haven't, and I will not. All things I say here are basic generalizations. So don't accuse me of mocking you directly!

Next, all of these rules are NOT real rules. I don't expect anyone to follow these, so don't point out your fanfiction and say 'I did THIS, and not THIS, like you said, so mine is different'.   
  
Last- if you do want me to analyze your fanfiction in this sort of way (Taking quotes from it, generally ripping it apart) then review and tell me, and I WILL do it, unless it is too painful to read. I don't review NC-17s like that, however. And I WILL rip it apart, so don't ask me to review it and then complain about it later.

Okay, that's basically it. Enjoy this SATIRICAL piece, if you may. Feel free to comment/give suggestions/yell at me. I enjoy the attention. ^_^

3 Oboebyrd


	2. Oboebyrd's Guide to the MarySue

Oboe Byrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Chapter 1: The Mary-Sue

There are several factors one must have complete control over before one can write a successful story. They all may be thrown out while writing a Mary Sue.

There are, however, several important factors to writing a proper Mary Sue. You may follow these guidelines below to either improve your knowledge of Mary Sue writing, check your own story to see if it is, in fact, a Mary Sue, or use it as a guideline to write your own smashingly successful story.

Practice Self Insertion 

No Mary-Sue would be complete unless you are in the story. Gross exaggerations of bravery, wisdom, intelligence, skill, and appearance are encouraged and recommended. Admittance of imperfections are only acceptable if they add some driving force to the plot, i.e. My daddy's Sauron- I'm running from him, I came to Mirkwood/Gondor/the Shire to escape his evil clutches.

Have a character fall madly in love with your character/self. 

This is absolutely necessary in a Mary Sue. The act of actually falling in love can only happen one of two ways- Falling in love on sight, or hating your character in the beginning and warming up to her like an ice cube warms up to a hot sidewalk. Grossly anatomical love scenes are encouraged, anime references are strictly prohibited.

Have your character be a better fighter/archer/sorcerer than your Mary-Sue's love interest. 

This is vital. Your character's love interest must fail miserably in some attempt to fight, and your character must come to his aid. If your character's love interest up to this point has been cold, this is the warming point.

Disregard set character moods and profiles: They are not important. 

Pippin can be a soul-searching dreamer. Aragorn can be a hippy. As long as it suits your character's personality, it is all okay.

Make your character's name unpronounceable or incredibly simple. 

Anglothielmatartza or Angel are both prime examples. By making character names such as these, it is easy to determine when someone else is stealing your Mary-Sue ideas.

Abnormalities in grammar and wordage is perfectly acceptable. 

Of course, impenetrable spelling and grammar is not necessary. But the very best Mary-Sues embodies writing that considers 'u' alone to be an acceptable pronoun and uses '4', '2', or other single-shot numbers or letters where they would normally have a real English word. Such substitution is a work of art, and abolishes all problems one might have in sounding those particular long words out.

I hope you found the first chapter in what is likely to become a plethora of chapters in this essay helpful. If you want to flame me because I used examples from your story- goa head, because I didn't, and I'll ignore you. If you want to flame me for any other reason- coolness! Go ahead. If you have ideas for more rules, by all means, tell me! 

Next week's lecture- The Properly Managed A/L Slash. 

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Oboebyrd: The Space Turtle is chewing on the Warp Nacelle 


	3. Oboebyrd's Guide to the AL Slash

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Chapter 2: Aragorn/Legolas Slash

Or, more specifically, Aragorn/Legolas smut

Besides being the most prestigious type of smut, slash also has some specific rules that must be followed for it to be successful. These rules mean the difference between a story that self-destructs and one that is exciting and gripping. No pun intended.

Before I begin this, I would like to mention I am neither anti-gay nor pro-devil. So don't accuse me of either of those, alright?

Everyone must think it's normal. 

Despite the reactions of a good portion of today's heterosexual population, which is skittish towards gays, none of the Fellowship ca be. It is a gross sin if any of the Fellowship is disgusted or even confused by a male/male relationship, no matter how closed or close the participants decide to make it. This is an important part of writing A/L slash- Everyone thinks it's normal. And all should be jealous, as well, but this is just a popular opinion.

It's all Aragorn's Fault- a.k.a., the Blonde Syndrome 

This is something seen in all fictions, but not readily admitted by anyone who writes such lists as these. Legolas MUST be the girl of the relationship. Aragorn HAS to be the dirty old man. Knowledge that Legolas is a few thousand years older than Aragorn MUST be forgotten. It is easy and convenient to forget this, and totally necessary.

And you all know what I mean by Legolas being the girl. Don't deny it. You know it's true.

There must be a sudden and dramatic drop in fighting and coping skills. 

Aragorn and Legolas must be hurt often. They must become poor fighters, and be taken over by the foes left and right. One must save the other. This must apply doubly to Legolas, who should become much more attractive to Orcish arrows and be hit by them twice as ofte.

Legolas must also become very bad a dressing his own wounds. Both must acquire excessively overpowering egos, which means they shall never admit when they're hurt.

Healing part 2 

It is necessary that either Aragorn or Legolas be badly hurt once or several times during your story. It is also necessary that they hide that fact. They character must be completely stable, sane, and appear tireless until the wound is discovered. Then, they MUST suddenly become babbling psychopaths who are going crazy with fever or pain. They must not do this before their true love arrives and finds that they have been wounded.

Abnormalities in status are encouraged. 

Getting abducted, poisoned, drunk, or put under a spell which includes memory loss can be a new and original plot device. Getting abducted and poisoned by Orcs while drunk and suffering from a bout of amnesia is the preferable method. Packing as many of these brand new plot-twists in a random order into your story is recommended. Inventing a new one, such as suddenly and incurable becoming addicted to Latex is not.

I hope you found these rules for writing a proper Aragorn/Legolas slash as helpful as I did. If you can think of any other important rules for writing formulaic slash, please tell me ASAP. And if you want me to pick apart your story- give me it's title and your author-name. I'll go as fast as I can.

Thank you. Next week, we'll have another type of fiction to assist you in formulaic writing. If anybody has some suggestions, please send them!

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Oboebyrd: That's a pretty sad Play on Words…


	4. Oboebyrd's Guide to ChatRoom Etiquette

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Could I be that vain? Yes, I could…

BTW, if a word is missing a 'n', sorry. Add it in yourselves, because my keyboard is a piece of crap, and the 'n' and the 'o' don't work very well…

Chapter 3: The Chat-Room

The Chat-room is the child of our young technology and the dirty-old-man named 'Fantasy RPG'. It is an essential part of fanfiction growth as most (I'll venture to say almost all) of people's fanfiction ideas are gleaned off of something else they're read, seen, or thought about. And chat rooms are a wonderful place to read and glean, but only if you know how to properly read and respond to them. 

Do not read things directly as they appear. 

The ability to converse with multiple others while in a chat room is a marvelous invention. However, it can also be confusing. One can not read directly off of the screen. There is a mix of writing more virile and varied than Trail Mix. If one is not careful, they could end up reading a sentence much like this, "Legolas went down to the night seemed to be rather harsh if you saw what eye wuz looking 4 cuz river which was filled with not."

This is hardly intelligible to the average reader. So, one must differentiate between each individual speaker, and connect their individual, unique sentences and detach them from the rest of the jumbled mess.

Use improper grammar. 

This rule holds true for both Chat Rooms and Mary-Sues. With the speed of Chat rooms, it is not important to make your meaning clear, just as long as you can get in a response before the other guy. A sentence such as 'You dove for the sword' is long, inconvenient, and hard to write. On the other hand, a sentence such as 'U dove 4 tehs word" Is both easy to type and hard to understand. This will give you a chance to write yet another brilliant sentence before your online, temporary foes have the chance to figure out what you just said. Such writing has a clear advantage in the cutthroat world of Chat Rooms.

Use large, brightly colored and impossible to read fonts. 

This is a personal preference for some, but a must for the avid Chat-Room writer. Simple, Times New Roman, size 12, color black, is a dull mark on a busy Chat Room and is likely to be overlooked. However, Wingdings, size 48, color fluorescent yellow, attracts the attention you need to be successful within a Chat Room. There is nothing like an explosion of blinding color to make a successful writing experience, especially when everyone else is using black.

Insult people who write better than you. 

In order to become a giant in the land of Chat Rooms, you must first clear out all that riff-raff that types really fast AND types coherent sentences. They are bad. They are the devil. They will burn forever for daring to usurp you from your throne. It is your duty to cuss them out and drive them from chat rooms. A successful Chat Room writer knows how to successfully do this without getting kicked out of a Chat Room himself. Moderation is important. Personal insults should be used sparingly. Instead, annoy and harass their character by starting conversations with them, insulting them, and then ignoring everything else they say. Try to pit the room against them. The best Chat Room writers can turn the rest of the participants into snarling, rabid dogs in minutes. 

Make up facts and proudly report them. 

The successful Chat-Room writer knows how to make up information that can neither be verified nor disproved. This information must be very detailed, very long, and sound very pompous in delivery. Sketchy events can immediately be seen as hoaxes, and are just as quickly dismissed. However, the more in-depth you go, the more realistic it seems.

It is very important you never claim you are an actual star or person of other prestigious background unless, of course, you already are. If you do claim to be so, you will be cross-examined by several members in the chat room. While this is an entertaining exercise, only the most accomplished Chat-Room writers dare try it. It is only for the brave. Such knowledge of how to survive a cross-examination when you are lying is not contained in this essay. Please turn to Former President Bill Clinton's personal notes for a detailed report.

Here ends our short, informative chapter on Chat-Room Etiquette. Please forgive the Bill Clinton Crack. I really couldn't help myself.

Next week, we will have something that I haven't even planned out. Stay tuned for more in-depth, completely earnest reports.

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Oboebyrd: Mr. Man, there's a call for you on lie 47… 


	5. Oboebyrd's Guide to Summaries

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

((A thousand and a half thanks to Eekfrenzy, my new bestest best friend. ^_^ I will now act upon your ideas, m'highness. ^_^ ^_^))

Chapter 4: Summaries

Summaries are the life-blood of stories. They are what involves and invokes the attention of readers. They must be inane, obnoxious, and tell us nothing.

At times, this can be difficult to do successfully. The need to describe in two sentences the majority of your story is great indeed. But with the help of this guide, you too can create the perfect summary- one that says nothing and does not fit in the space given it underneath the title.

WRITE IN ALL CAPS. 

This is important. By ceaselessly pounding on the Shift Key, your story gets a sense of importance, as well as giving the reader the always-popular feeling of being yelled at. It is not necessary- and certainly not recommended- to continue capitalization through the rest of your story, unless there is something that you wish to pound into your reader's brain, and they are too far away to make proper use of a sledgehammer.

MAKE SURE YOUR SUMMARY SAYS NOTHING/ TITLE USAGE 

This is vital. By refusing to give your readers any god-awful image such as what the story is actually about, you pique their interest.

This goes hand in hand with a good, abstract title. Titles must never contain the actual name of the main character. However, usage of their title (prince/king/steward) their place of birth (Mirkwood/Gondor/Mordor) or their species (Human/Elf/Maia) is good. Nobody will be able to fathom your story's true meaning. Which is also good.

QUALIFY YOUR INANE SUMMARIES. 

This is also vitally important. After your perfect summary, modeled from above, humbly downplay your mind-boggling skills. Say, "I suck at summaries. Just read!" This dash of humility, followed by a rash command, will catch and enthrall the wary reader every time.

MISSPEL INCREDABLIE SIMPUL WURDES. 

Misspelling incredibly simple words is recommended. Especially when your misspelling dramatically cuts down on the number of letters. For example, spell 'sucks' 'sux' and 'please' 'pleez.' These misspellings in the phonetic sense help in pronunciation and make your reader feel that you are 'down to earth' and 'looking out for them'. 

It also brings about our Orwellian destruction via Newspeak, but he was WRONG! The Year passed without incident! Take that, Minipax! 

MAKE SURE THAT SUMMARIES ARE TOO LONG FOR THE SPACE ALLOT… 

Your reviews must never fit in the space allotted them. There is no greater, more tantalizing experience than knowing that a vast unknown lurks beyond the boundaries of the space allotted to Fanfiction.net summaries. Seeing '…' creates an air of wonder about a story. 'What more could this angelic being possibly have to say?' a reader might wonder. 'What secret is possessed in this summary that they could not observe on their own and see it was too long and change it?' They might continue to ponder. The good summary writer knows that it is blasphemous to proof-read their own writing.

HIT UP YOUR READERS FOR REVIEWS. 

In the summary, along with not-summarizing your story, you must put in the plea- R/R. This asking- kind ad quiet, makes you seem less presumptuous than just demanding 'review'. Plus, it adds the necessary humility that states you understand that they must read before they can review. 

I hope you have enjoyed these rules for successful summary writing, and I hope they help you write a successfully obscure review.

Next week, we shall dive into the mysteries of the formulaic Frodo/Sam slash, also compliments of my new friend, EekFrenzy. BTW, I love that name. ^_^

::Gets dragged away to Room 101 for her '1984' references::

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Oboebyrd: Look, ma! I'm taunting Elves! ::Pokes Haldir in the ear with a carrot::


	6. Oboebyrd's Guide to Milking Reviews

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Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

I know I promised a Frodo/Sam slash thing up next! I'm working on it… REALLY. I'm searching out F/S on the web, and reading it. As that is not something I ever wanted to read before, it is a long, hard process, and help would be appreciated. Hint hint!

Thanks to all the reviewers who have given me wondrous ideas! I'll try to use them all! 

But first, a solemn topic from the depths of my heart… (Only thought of thanks to Animefanficgrl- thanks!)

Chapter 5: Milking Reviews

In the world of fanfiction, there is only one thing that keeps the good writer going: Reviews. The good writer KNOWS that there is no gain in just the enjoyment of stories. Others must read, and review.   
  
It is important that you milk as many reviews out of each story you write as possible. Below, we will give you some hints on how to provide as many reviews on your story as you can.

Previously mentioned tips 

In Chapter 4, we gave you this helpful hint: HIT UP YOUR READERS FOR REVIEWS. It is very important you follow this rule! Place a demand for reading and reviewing in your summary, and the reviewers will come… they will come. 

2.) Threaten to stop posting until desired number of reviews is met.

At the top of each chapter, insert a quota for the number of reviews you require before the story will continue. Preferably, the number should be between 5 and 15 per chapter. If you ask for too many reviews, such as 50, then you will make your readers think you are stuck up, and you will get no reviews at all. If you go too small, such as 4, then you will have someone simply write 'good' for a review. It is a precise and calculated science. Depending on the type of fiction and where you 'leave the story off', you can determine the number of reviews to demand.

NOTE: It is VERY important not to post before you get the desired number of reviews. If you do, the readers will believe you simply enjoy writing, and not struggle to fit your quota the next chapter.

3.) Offer cookies, dolls, or other prizes. Have no intention of delivering them.

To milk reviews from your readers, offer them rewards for reviewing. These rewards must seem small and frivolous, but be very desirable. Do not go too overboard in your falsely promised gifts, however. Ponies and a seaside ranch are not acceptable. Simply offer small gifts- cookies, hugs, inflatable chairs…

Of course, if you receive complaints about your reviewers not receiving what they desired, your answer to them is simple- 'It was a metaphorical gift.' 

The good fanfiction writer knows that inflatable chairs can not be metaphorical. But, the good fanfiction writer also knows how to fool the reviewers into getting what they promised.

4.) Beg

This is, by far, the most effective way to milk reviews from your readers. The phrase, 'Come on, why won't ne of u review my stuff it's good and I know u wanna r/r 4 me' is paramount. Other, less common phrases, 'Plz r/r' or 'Read and Review!' are also common. What is important, in proper begging for reviews, is the mixture of begs, threats, gifts, and summary usage. You may appear pitiful enough to receive a few reviews regardless of the thoughts of the reader.

It is, after all, all that writing fanfiction is for. For reviews, and lots of them!

I hope you have enjoyed these rules to proper Milking for Reviews. It is important you follow these rules in order to glean the only joy there is from writing- receiving unbiased, mostly thoughtless praise from total strangers.

Next chapter: Probably F/S slash. If not, something completely different…

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Oboebyrd: But I like reviews. Really. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE them… I just don't beg for them, 'cause it never works, at least not for me. Hey! I'm averaging 1.27 reviews per chapter in my stories! It's not bad! 


	7. Oboebyrd Presents: The Ultimate MarySue

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Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Frodo/Sam Slash? Not yet… sorry… I'm REALLY working on it… truly…

…and to those of you who thought that there was only one more chapter to go… NOT TRUE! I'll keep on going as long as I can!

But, I have recently become aware of Fanfiction.net's new policy- no lists. I don't know if this is a List, but just to keep it safe… here is the PERFECT formulaic Mary-Sue… with some added bonuses! :) 

__

Oboebyrd Presents:

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Love in Mirkwood

hi this is a gud stori about a gurl falling in luv w/ a certain elf i suck at summaries plz R/R! i need 20 reviews b4 i'll cntino!

1 happy day, a very pretty young human walked through the woods. She had a yellow flower behind each ear, and bright, bright blue eyes. Her hair was long and blonde, and the sheer beauty of her skin paled the flowers behind her ears, and made everything around her sparkle.

The perfect, beautiful girl looked around her. "Where am I?" She asked aloud. "I must have gotten lost."

Little did the beautiful, innocent girl from Bree know, she had wandered fifteen hundred leagues or so off course and was now in Mirkwood.

She looked around with worried blue eyes and bit her lip. Nearby, a enormously handsome (ooo, I luv Legolass SO much don't u?) elf watched her. He immediately fell in luv with the innocent girl because she was so pretty and good and pure and he could tell just by looking at her that he wanted to love her 4ever.

"What's wrong, beautiful maiden?" Legolass asked gently, hoping not to scare the poor innocent maiden away.

"Oh, I'm lost! I have no clue where my family is!" The beautiful maiden said, immediately trusting the prince cuz he was handsome and hot and sexy and …drool… sorry! But I LUV Legolass!

"I'll help you find your family," Legolass offered.

"Thank u! My name is Anglotheiruma! Thank u so much for offering to help me!" Anglotheiruma said gratefully, instantly falling in luv with the hot-gotta-luv-him-eat-him-all-up-and-sorry-I'm-doing-it-again-but-I-just-can't-stop-he's-so-hot! Prinze. 

"It is no problem, my lady." Legolass said, bowing and leading her through the woods.

Little did the two heroes know, but evil, evil Orcs watched them from the nearby bushes! They suddenly leaped out and attacked!

Sexy prince Legolass whipped out his bow, and started shooting Orcs! Anglotheiruma sat by, looking stunned and horrified as they attacked. Legolass was worried since he didn't know what all the Orcs were doing in Mirkwood!

  
Then, one of the nasty Orcs stabbed him in the back! Legolass cried out in pain and immediately fainted. Anglotheiruma was horrified, but knew she had to protect the prince, so picked up his bow, and with one shot killed all the Orcs at once!

She then went to tend to the fallen Elf.

Three weeks later, Elf and human were married, and lived happily ever after, 4ever and 4ever, because the Valar looked down and smiled on Anglotheiruma and Legolass and made Anglotheiruma immortal so they could be happy forever. And Manwë gave Anglotheiruma one of the Silmarils, and that kept they happy forever and ever.

~~~~~

I really hoped you liked it plz R/R cuz I won't go on to the next chapter until u do! Thanks 4 reading!

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Oboebyrd: Hey- that was actually really fun! ::Prepares to write another Mary-Sue, but her muses hold her back, beat her, and tie her up:: What! *I* thought it was fun! And I'm not serious about the 10 reviews. I don't PLAN on writing a sequel to this… thing… maybe Aragorn/Legolas slash next, hm? ::Muses strangle her::

Y'know… the scary thing is that I can actually pronounce her name… that means I FAILED!!! ::Sobs:: IT'S NOT THE PERFECT MARY-SUE!!! ::Hysterical sobs, until muses beat some more sense into her::


	8. Oboebyrd Says Nothing Important

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Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

An actual chapter now? No… sorry… I'm REALLY working on it, but the Writer's Block inhabiting my house has recently eaten half my foot… and I'm rather concerned with getting it off. But for those of you who are requesting stuff, let me tell you everything I'm going to TRY to work on/finish/start…

Frodo/Sam Slash. (Half finished! Yeah!) But this is causing some problems for me. I don't know why. Merry/Pippin Slash, which, for me, is wrong in more ways that one, but I'll do it and do it seriously anyway. Haldir/Legolas Slash, which I'm actually quite a big fan of, so let's see how that one goes, eh? ^_^ Movie Character Smut. I'll do it, but I feel sorry for all those poor actors who get shoved into a fanfiction… personally, I'd hate it. Perhaps Abbreviations, if I can find enough to do. (Pherlaith: AU means 'Alternate Universe', if you didn't know. I think you were just giving me any example, but there's your answer, anyway.) Author Notes/Disclaimers: Thanks to a couple folks for this one. They seem to go in the same category. I love creative disclaimers… Writing Reviews: Getting your name out there as much as possible and not saying anything to the guy who wrote the story… I also plan on writing an Essay entitled 'Thranduil', mainly because all these Thranduil-haters out there are bugging me… 

Well, that's it for now… there's eight chapters that have yet to post! When my brain drags itself out of the primordial ooze it fell back into… oh well…

~~~~~~~~~

Oboebyrd


	9. Oboebyrd Rallies Support for King Thrand...

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Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Oboebyrd: You damn near all gave me a heart attack, folks. I get online, and see, that in one day, I've gotten more than 15 reviews…

…if that's not the cure to writer's block, what is? I like overwhelming support. It's like floating in a puffy pink palace of pleasure. I also like alliteration, but that's besides the point.

But I want to answer some of your questions/hints/offers:

YES! Thank you to all who offered to let me use your story! I'll review it on your site, but also put the 'meaner' review on this site, it'll be more in depth, and of course I'll link to your site.

And it's 'her', not 'him', by the way. I am female.

And yes, I suppose mentioning stuff from 'The Silmarillion' kind of cursed my Mary-Sue… but it seemed KIND of fitting, and some Mary-Sue aficionados are really good at reading other fanfictions and prying everything they can from their sleepy fingers…

Okay. Why is this Author's note so long? 'Cause I HAVE GOTTEN MY REVELATION! THAT'S WHY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!))

I actually have a bibliography for this. (Albeit it contains one book.) It will be at the end.

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King Thranduil of Mirkwood

There is nothing like killing your own sons.

Or perhaps irreparably scarring them, raping them, emotionally bludgeoning them with a club of injustice and insane hatred.

Only if you are King Thranduil, fair Lord of Mirkwood, of course.

I am willing to take, in good face, murdering of plots, abusing real-life people who spent twelve hours of every day making a movie for you to watch and enjoy, base, pornographic fictions thinly veiled as 'love', even the ever-present Mary-Sue. I will take this all in good faith, read it, perhaps in some dark recess of my mind, even enjoy it.

Because these character portrayals are inconsistent. Legolas is not always a hair-flinging, brainless nymph. Pippin and Merry are not always the willful participants of incest. 

Thranduil is always a murderer.

No, perhaps not always. In my attempts to research this subject a little further, I found five, a whole five, fanfictions which featured Thranduil as not a murdering bastard, not a crazed lord of a fearful land. Five. There are 6,415 _Lord of the Rings _fanfictions on Fanfiction.net, possibly more when this story is completed. 

Five people found it fit to pose Thranduil as Tolkien tried to make him appear.

This disgusts me so deeply that I couldn't write a 'Guide to Making Thranduil a Jerk'. No one needs a satirical guide to this. It is a click away. Here I will apologize if you expected something purely off-beat, happy, and funny. It's not. I'm not. For this, humour may or may not work. 

"…and at the head of a long line of feasters sat a woodland king with a crown of leaves upon his golden hair… The elvish folk were passing bowls from hand to hand and across the fires, and some were harping, and many were singing. Their gleaming hair was twined with flowers; green and white gems glinted on their collars and their belts; and their faces and their songs were filled with mirth" (Tolkein 153).

Oh, of course. How silly of me. This quote _obviously_ proves that Thranduil is a merciless ruler. The happiness of his subjects must be forced. 

So, we must here rule out the 'merciless vicious, monster king of Mirkwood' plot which has become so popular. But Thranduil has his flaws. I have no problem with that. The problem I have is that no one chooses to draw on the flaws _Tolkien_ mentions, "If the elf-king had a weakness it was for treasure, especially for silver and white gems" (Tolkien 167). They must make up their own… never mind what the author thinks.

But his view is not truly important. Nor is that one important little word… 'if'.

Perhaps some of the negativity that flares up towards King Thranduil is his negative treatment of the Dwarves. That is certainly to be expected. How could he possibly be so rude to them when "they did not love dwarves, and thought he was an enemy" (167)? That was inordinately cruel of Thranduil to have Thorin thrown in prison and give "him food and drink, plenty of both" (168). I know we would all be much better rulers, and let a possible enemy rove through our land, and awaken giant spiders which live there so they can further plague us. I know _I_ would.

The first Evil-Thranduil story I read came as a shock and a surprise. Thranduil? He's bad? He _poisoned all his sons?_ Well, alright, that's creative, at least.

The second, the third, the fourth… they left me outraged. Not merely because they belabor the poor King with little or no regard for his true character, but also because they don't bother hating him for the clear weaknesses that are presented to the audience by Tolkien himself. 

Elrond wise and beneficent. Thranduil is evil and awful. It is the same story, over and over again.

I am not a fan of King Thranduil. Through out the Hobbit, I didn't give him a second thought. When I did, I usually just shrugged and thought, 'He trapped the Dwarf. At least he kept him from being eaten by the giant spiders.' I foster no hidden love for Thranduil- I do not even believe I have ever mentioned him in one of my own Fanfictions, except to have Celeborn complain about the King sending some exploding purple object in a box.

I do not need to be attacked by people calling me a 'Thranduil-lover' and claiming that, once again, I had quoted directly from their fanfiction.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Because so many of these Thranduil-villainizing plots are exactly the same- Thranduil is crazy; he kills his sons- I doubt that you can provide any solid proof.

Thranduil is not a crazy murderer. Thranduil is not a villainous overlord. Nowhere does Tolkien say this; nowhere does Tolkien _suggest_ this. Thranduil helped the men of a city that had been ruined due to the rising of a feared dragon. Thranduil gave Thorin food. Thranduil led his people and kept them strong through the time of Mirkwood's dreaded darkness.

He is a figment of a writer's imagination. He can not fight back. 

He is a glorious and tempered King. He doesn't have to.

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Bibliography:

The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, copyright 1937

~~~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: Well, that was refreshing. 


	10. Oboebyrd's Guide to FS Slash

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
((A/N- Hey! I'm doing an Author's Note! Oh well… hmm. I will not be doing a Pippin/Frodo Slash, as they are too rare to really have any set rules to follow. J After all, if you've seen one, I've seen one less, so…))  
  
((Anyway.))  
  
(('Tis the long awaited for…))  
  
Chapter 6: Frodo/Sam Slash  
  
I admit to not having proper knowledge of this type of slash. But, in the interests of being totally fair to all different types of fiction, I put it upon myself to find and read Frodo/Sam Slash/Smut from all over the internet.  
  
This is, as I was pleased to find, nearly as formulaic as the mythic Mary- Sues. And I am ecstatic that I have been given this chance to write guidelines for this prestigious Hobbit Smut.  
  
So, let me gush no longer!  
  
   
  
1.) Make sure Frodo gets hurt/kidnapped.  
  
This is important. Sam, being his master's loyal hero, can never be hurt, as he must always be in prime condition to save Frodo from the danger of the day. Frodo, on the other hand, must become more attractive to mishaps than cheese is to a mouse. No matter how badly Frodo is hurt, Sam must be able to cure him, and/or carry him to safety. Frodo must gaze lovingly into Sam's eyes at this time.  
  
If Frodo is kidnapped, it is important that Sam rush to his rescue, overcome insurmountable odds that would give an army pause, and save his master in an explosion of brilliant majesty that would put Zeus to shame.  
  
   
  
2.) None of the Fellowship may be around.  
  
Frodo/Sam Slash is best done in secret. Unlike A/L slash, which is much more renowned for it's Open-Door policy, F/S slash must never take place among other members of the Fellowship. It is important that they are completely alone so that uncomfortable questions, and thus, uncomfortable writing prompts, do not arrive. Characters which do show up during F/S slash stories must only arrive to harm or kidnap Frodo.  
  
   
  
3.) Sam must suddenly become very talented with normal objects used in abnormal ways.  
  
Samwise Gamgee must become more than just a talented gardener and loyal servant. Every object, whether the ordinary or extraordinary, must become a mere extension of himself.  
  
Hmm. Metaphors digging much too deep and crying to come out in all their wanton glory here. I'd better not continue.  
  
   
  
4.) Share and Share Alike.  
  
The age-old question- who's the girl?- Is easily answered. Both are!  
  
   
  
5.) Erotic Qualities are Highly Preferable to Love  
  
This is not only a major basis of Frodo/Sam Slash, but the major drive in every type of Slash. Love is secondary to the Hormone-driven magic that is graphic sex. In a battle of plot over porn, the good Fanfiction writer knows that porn gets the reviews, the excitement, and the pleasure of a minor and self-provoked orgasm. The good Fanfiction writer knows that properly proportioning story to erotic fantasy is fun, educational, and often hard to write correctly without alienating the more politically correct slash lovers.  
  
   
  
   
  
We hope you found this guide to writing the proper Frodo/Sam slash Fiction helpful. The OG-WFFF only wants the best for prospective young Fanfiction writers, and hope you can use this guide to help you write the perfect formulaic F/S smut.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Oboebyrd: As visions of half-deranged sugar-plums explode in your head… 


	11. Oboebyrd Rates Bad Excuses

Oboebyrd's Guide to Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
((Ah, yes, procrastination is good...))  
  
Chapter 7: Excuses for a 'Bad Chapter'… rated!  
  
Having recently read many fanfictions in which the author apologizes for a 'bad chapter', and blames it on their condition of the day, I became annoyed, and conversely, very sympathetic. The 'good writer' knows you can't blame the writing of the day on outside factors. The good fanfiction writers know you not only can but must.  
  
Some of the excuses used to proclaim immunity for the failure of a chapter are dangerously over-used, however, and it is never a good idea to blame every chapter on an unfortunate 'outside factor'. These 'outside factors' are in short supply and thus must be placed strategically throughout chapters.  
  
Below are the ratings of such excuses used. I will not offer ideas on where to place your excuses: This is a skill the good fanfiction writer must acquire on their own.  
  
   
  
I didn't have much time to write this… For shame that you should use this. We all know that your Mary-Sue is the apple of FF.net's eye, but this excuse is baseless, evil, and I'm convinced will damn you for all eternity. If you don't have time to write your perfect Mary-Sue, wait another day before posting it. FF.net isn't going anywhere. Everyone knows this rule, from the best Formulaic Writer to that person who writes all that 'original' stuff- most of which doesn't even mention an original character! So, this excuse gets a D+ for stupidity but bravery.  
  
   
  
I was sick when I wrote this… This implies the same 'you should have waited,' tone, but less immediate than the previous excuse. Posting bad stories can be pleasantly blamed on delirium. In fact, the idea of actually writing something when lingering on the edge of Life and Death intrigues me, so I'll give it a C+… just f or the mental images of someone retching on their keyboard.  
  
   
  
I had a bad test/class/etc. today… I love this excuse, mainly because of the interesting side notes that could follow a statement such as… say… "I drank a bad glass of Milk today." Who hasn't inadvertently gotten a mouthful of spoiled milk before? Expiration dates aside, this excuse gets an A- for empathy, bad moods, and yet more images of someone retching on their keyboard.  
  
   
  
My Muse deserted me… Even the newest of authors claim this, which is infuriating. It takes months… no… years to get a good muse! What did you do the poor thing to run it off? Have you had no training in the keeping of muses? Muse-abuse is an all-too common problem these days. Even now, dozens of Muses are in shelters, waiting dejectedly to be euthanized because their careless owners deserted them. Wise up, people. Get your Muse a radio- collar today. C-, for those who wrote 'My muse is on vacation' instead.  
  
   
  
Writer's Block struck… And what? You had to pump something out? This excuse, however, earns my sympathy, because Writer's Block is a vicious plague that leaves even Steven King with the ability to only doggedly wring one sentence at a time from his computer. But while Writer's Block is a vicious plague, and often only slogging through a bad spot in a story will break it, the excuse is overdone. B-, for those whose stone-mason work is better than they think.  
  
   
  
I had no inspiration… This screams, "Use the Writer's block excuse," and just send the stupid chapter later. D, because what kind of inspiration is needed to write a formulaic fanfic?  
  
   
  
I wanted to get to the next chapter… Why? What's so brilliant about the next chapter that you couldn't refine it? This excuse is often written before and after other chapters that have other such excuses posted at the top. F… this is an excuse to be avoided.  
  
   
  
Fanfiction.net wouldn't let me sign on… Hmph. Like we're supposed to believe that? But, yes, we must, and since I've had weeks where FF.net wouldn't let me sign on to upload, this excuse is valid… to a point. However, it has nothing to do with an excuse for a bad chapter, so we'll have to give it a NC, and send it back to be re-done.  
  
   
  
I was caught up in my other story and didn't pay much attention to this one when writing it…This just summons up images of someone trying to type on two keyboards at once. But, good fanfiction writers cannot chew gum and think at the same time, let alone type two stories at once. (Nor, really, can those original prats) And, keeping in mind that all formulaic stories are basically the same, differences are non-existent, differences are an irrelevant point, and differences give this excuse a C for effectiveness.  
  
   
  
   
  
We hoped you enjoyed the scoring of different excuses, and find an excuse here that works for you. Please tune in next time- and remember- always check the expiration date on your perishables!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Oboebyrd: Sad truth? I've seen all of these excuses- even #8- used as reasoning for a particularly bad chapter. But can we really tell the difference?  
  
  


	12. Oboebyrd's Guide to the Interview

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
((That's right, folks, after eons of not updating because my computer crashed whenever I tried, I finally figured out I could just use my mom's computer, and it all turned out fine. So, I'm here to give you a slew of updates which I have had in store... I won't try apologizing, because you all know that I'm not allowed to actually mean it! ^_^ So here it is... and I DO apologize for not rating anyone's stories... I'm very lazy.))  
  
Chapter 8: The Interview  
  
I am fascinated by the mysterious art which is the Character Interview. It is an amusing art, but yet, a deadly one.  
  
How to show the beauty and the evil that is the Interview? Well... my muse and I decided to do an interview of our own. We also have with us today a special guest... Hello, Muse.  
  
Icikle: Hello, Byrd!  
  
Byrd: How're you today, Icikle?  
  
Icikle: That really isn't the proper way to begin an interview, you know.  
  
Byrd: It begins when I say it does.  
  
Icikle: Fine, fine. I'm alright, if you don't count that STUPID book I've been reading! They spelled my name wrong! AGAIN!  
  
Byrd: Icikle... they're talking about sheets of ice. Not you.  
  
Icikle: Oh.  
  
Byrd: Can we start the interview?  
  
Icikle: Sarcastically It starts when you say it does.  
  
Byrd: Right! Clears her throat Hello, and welcome to...  
  
Icikle: Wait!  
  
Byrd: What?  
  
Icikle: What's with the ''''s?  
  
Byrd: They denote actions. And expressions.  
  
Icikle: No. Wrong. The proper formulaic Interview just puts the text in as if it's the speech of the actor.  
  
Byrd: Well... I like the ''"s.  
  
Icikle: Fine, fine, go ahead.  
  
Byrd: Today, WYRD has with us the illustrious Legolas Greenleaf!  
  
Legolas: Walks in.   
  
Audience: Screams and cheers.   
  
Icikle: Hold it!  
  
Byrd: What now?  
  
Icikle: 'Illustrious'? Do you even know that that means?  
  
Byrd: ...  
  
Icikle: And what's with the cheering audience! I thought this was a radio show!  
  
Byrd: But everyone else does it...  
  
Icikle: Okay, I get your point. But what's with the '...'? They don't ACCOMPLISH anything?  
  
Byrd: Actually, I don't know. But I'm lead to believe they denote uncertain pauses.  
  
Legolas: Can I sit down, now?  
  
Byrd: Yes. Icikle, may I continue?  
  
Icikle: Yes.  
  
Byrd: Welcome to the show, Legolas. It is an honor to have you here.  
  
Legolas: It's an honor to be here, Byrd.  
  
Icikle: Oh, that's just self-satisfying response 101! Sighs  
  
Byrd: Now you're using the ''''s, Icikle...  
  
Icikle: YOU'RE the one typing all this, I'll have you remember.  
  
Byrd: You're my inspiration!  
  
Icikle: AND ALL THE GOOD IT DOES! YOU'RE WRITING A GODD@MN FORMULAIC FANFICTION! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?  
  
Legolas: Should I come back later?  
  
Byrd: No, stay.  
  
Icikle: Leave.  
  
Byrd: Stay.  
  
Icikle: Leave.  
  
Byrd: Stay!  
  
Icikle: LEAVE!  
  
The two continue bickering. Legolas walks out in disgust.   
  
Byrd: Now look what you did!  
  
Icikle: What *I* did? You just implied twenty lines of typing! Talk about taking a short cut!  
  
Byrd: If you don't start helping me here, that's not the only thing that's going to be 'short cut'.  
  
Icikle: Oh, I give up. Just interview me.  
  
Byrd: Okay... Icikle, what would you say are the major points one must cover in a Formulaic Interview?  
  
Icikle: That's a tough on, Byrd. First of all, there's the self serving dialogue.  
  
Byrd: Can you give me an example?  
  
Icikle: Any answers that put the author in the favor of the characters.  
  
Byrd: So... Legolas being polite was self serving?  
  
Icikle: I guess...  
  
Byrd: You don't know anything about formulaic interviews.  
  
Icikle: I guess they're really not that formulaic... except one can always be replaced by another.  
  
Byrd: And what does THAT mean?  
  
Icikle: They all FEEL alike. They're all ridiculously funny or out of character... just to serve the purpose of the author, who FEELS like writing that... probably because he or she just read one, and thought they could do better.  
  
Byrd: So... you're saying all interviews are an attempt to show up other authors?  
  
Icikle: Exactly.  
  
Byrd: Thank you, Icikle. You really put that in perspective.  
  
Icikle: How so?  
  
Byrd: I'm going to go flame some interview writers now...  
  
She stalks off stage... the lights dim, leaving Icikle all alone  
  
Icikle: Could you PLEASE not say the word 'flame' around me? He stalks off as well.   
  
END  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Icikle: I don't work here. I'm just a consultant. 


	13. Oboebyrd Presents: The Ultimate MarySue ...

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
((ATTENTION: Do not read if you have recently eaten, have weak neck and back muscles, or are pregnant or nursing! This author is not responsible for any injuries received while riding this story to it's bitter end.))  
  
Chapter 9: The Ultimate Mary Sue Revisited: AKA, Oboebyrd Tries IT Again  
  
1 day, there wuz a prety little gurl in the woods. Her name wuz Mulaeiianae, + she wuz very prety. She had long blonde hair that wuz so light it wuz like the most beautiful snow in the wurld, + every day she brushed it so it was almost as prety as she wuz.  
  
But sence Mulaeiianae wuz the pretiest gurl in the wurld, not even her hare culd be pretier. She always wore the best clothes in the wurld, because princes came from all over to try to marry her. 2day she wuz wearing a prety yelow dress, like her hare, w/ many frills and lace and it sparkled when she walked, making her even pretier than she wuz.  
  
She had a blue flouer in her hare, and it brought out the blue in her I's. And around her neck, she had 4 blue stones on a necklace that she had gotten from her parents B4 they disappeared and left her alone becuz they were gone. She luved the necklace very much becuz it was prety just like her.  
  
1 day, Mulaeiianae was skipping happily along.She wuz going through the woods, which her parents had told her never to du. "It's dark in the woods." they said "And we dun't want u getting hurt by big scary monsters who want to devour your pretiness."  
  
But since her parents had disappeared and were gone and couldn't tell her what to do anymore, Mulaeiianae went skipping through the woods. It wuz dark and scary, and Mulaeiianae's prety lower lip trembled, and she wished that she had listend to her parents when they told her not 2 go.  
  
Suddenly, orcs attacked! They were as not prety as Mulaeiianae was prety. "We're gunna eat u up!" The Orcs roared, and attacked!  
  
Mulaeiianae wuz very scared, and ran away. She tore up her prety dress, and wuz sad and scared then, 2. Then, a handsum prince came down, and rescued her! He beat up all the mean Orcs and took Mulaeiianae back to his house.  
  
"Who are you, brave prince?" Mulaeiianae asked than handsum prince.  
  
"My name is Legolas Greenleaf." Said the handsum prince, but he didn't seem to like Mulaeiianae much.  
  
"Thank u 4 saving me." Mulaeiianae said, and she didn't like him either.  
  
"Mayb if u hadn't been wandering in the woods, you wouldn't have gotten chaseded." Legolas said.  
  
"i can very well do as i please!" Said Mulaeiianae.  
  
Legolas and Mulaeiianae stared at each other. They could take it no longer! The 2 lept at each other and (U know the rest i dun't write that nastie stuff!)  
  
Later, Legolas and Mulaeiianae were in the woods, looking for flowers becuz Mulaeiianae wuz in need of another. They were verry worried becuz wot if Legolas's father didn't like Mulaeiianae?  
  
Suddenly, Orcs attacked! Legolas fought them off bravely, but there wuz too many!  
  
Mulaeiianae was terrified, but she saw Legolas fall! So, she picked up a sord, and killed all the Orcs, fighting with skill unsurpased by ne of the greatest warriors!  
  
Mulaeiianae kissed Legolas's wounds, and tey vanised. Legolas tooke Mulaeiianae home, and Legolas's father didn't like her. But Legolas told Legolas's father (Dun't know his name! Did they ever mention it in the movie?) how brave Mulaeiianae wuz and how gud a fighter she wuz.  
  
But Legolas's father was a awful ogre and still wouldn't let Legolas marry Mulaeiianae. So Legolas wuz very brave and killed his father and the whole kingdom was happy because his father was very mean.  
  
legolas became king and Mulaeiianae was his queen! And they lived happily ever ater.  
  
THE END  
  
((If i get 20 reviews i'll write aother gud chapter like this 1 u know u want it!))  
  
  
  
~~~~~ Oboebyrd: I feel as if I am regressing. 


	14. Oboebyrd's Guide to Tangent Fiction

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
Chapter 10: Tangent Fiction  
  
Did anyone ever say to you in a review: Your fiction was good, but I just didn't get the point?  
  
This is the signature of a work of fiction so insidiously beautiful that all other kinds of fiction must weep and bow before it.  
  
Tangent fiction can be anything. From the Ultimate Mary Sue to the most pointless and destructive of character-bashing skits, tangent fiction covers them all. It is not so much a type of fiction as a style, and as a style, it must be respected for it's beauty.  
  
How does one write a Tangent Fiction? I'll tell you.  
  
1.) Never Get to the Point.  
  
It is important, that while writing a Tangent Fiction, you find many other things to talk about. You can never simply settle on one thing and describe it... many other facets of your story demand attention at that exact moment. You may be describing your Mary Sue's perfect hair, but then talk about the stylist who trimmed it. And the stylist's boyfriend. And the man who tried to kill the stylist's boyfriend. And the girlfriend of the attempted murderer, who just never COULD open any sort of pickle jars. And the man at the pickle company who evilly planned to take over the world by making pickle jars unopenable. Every once in awhile, returning to the actual storyline is a good idea.  
  
2.) Connect...  
  
The good Tangent Fiction writer knows when to finally stop the tangent and return to the story line. The good Tangent Fiction writer also knows how to connect their last story-line thought with their new story-line. The thread of consciousness can not be dropped, nor acknowledge the Tangent (a holy, wholly separate being from the rest of the fiction) but must simply restart the story from the exact same point that it was left off. Tying in the Tangent to the rest of the story is not the job of the Tangent Writer; it is the job of the Reader, who should automatically know how to handle such Tangent Situations.  
  
3.) ...but not very well  
  
The Tangent Fiction Writer knows that people expect a certain amount of continuity from them, but also knows how much continuity will ruin the story line. The Tangents must be unrelated to the story: so must the story be, insofar as it is possible, unrelated to itself. This is an abstract concept, and certainly a difficult one to grasp, but continuity in the actual storyline is not acceptable. Plot spoilers offered (aka, my mother died when I was three) must be disregarded for more cheerful uses later. (aka, when I was twelve, my mother told me...) Continuity is not favored.  
  
4.) Enjoy Trivialities.  
  
Thoroughness is respected, but excess thoroughness is even better. Simply exploring a situation is not acceptable. The situation must be picked apart... no room for reader inference on minor points is allowed. Each point must be belabored beyond recognition. Recognition is, of course, not necessarily an important point. As long as there are words on the paper, it is a story... the more words, the better the story.  
  
5.) Include inside jokes  
  
There are two ways to insert an inside joke into your story: A, explain it until it won't seem funny at all, or B, just say 'it's an inside joke'. I prefer that latter, because it gives the reader the feeling that there was no fault on the part of the author; they're just stupid. Either way, inside jokes are important. It doesn't matter if the inside joke will probably seem just as funny to anyone else, because the 'inside joke' is really a joke everyone uses all the time. It doesn't even matter if your inside joke has nothing at all to do with the story. But it is still important to include them.  
  
I hope you find this guide to writing the proper Tangent Fiction helpful. Next week, we will assist your blossoming Formulaic skills with another, as- of-yet unknown chapter.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~ Oboebyrd: Have a wonderful night, and don't hit any kittens. 


	15. Oboebyrd Rates the Many Uses of Gandalf

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
Chapter 11: The Many Uses of Gandalf  
  
Over the years, we have seen many different versions of our beloved Gandalf. From Gandalf the Grey to Gandalf the White, from cheerful Hobbit- friend to mighty wizard to the White Rider, all of these versions of Gandalf have been cheerfully accepted by the close-knit society of Fanfiction writers.  
  
Or have they?  
  
There have been many discrepancies on how to portray Gandalf. Below, I shall rate each of the Many Uses of Gandalf.  
  
1.) The God... many people may not know this, but Gandalf is a very powerful being... very near the scale of the Valar themselves. This is inconvenient for Fanfiction writers. Giving Gandalf great and godlike powers immediately makes him able to crush the plots of any warlords who are, say, trying to rape Aragorn, for example. So, Gandalf the God gets a C- ... inconvenient but true.  
  
2.) The Wise One... Though 'Wise One' ultimately becomes 'Gives twisted advice every once in awhile', this is a fairly common usage of dear Gandalf. He is obviously old. And most old people know things. And he can also set off pretty cool fireworks. Gandalf is a wise old man, even though he isn't technically a man, and he still can't figure out how to stop the pesky warlord who wants to rape Aragorn. So this usage of Gandalf receives a B+... for popularity, not because I necessarily agree with everything old people have to say.  
  
3.) The Playful Fire-cracker Man... though Gandalf is certainly very adept at creating cutesy little magical fireworks, it is not his only talent. Unfortunetly, many people believe it is so. While I can certainly understand why Elrond Half-Elven would send a fireworks man along with the Fellowship, something is missing by simply giving Gandalf this one talent. No... it's common, but familiarity does not make this usage less evil. I give it a D, but I feel I'm be very generous.  
  
4.) The Mighty Wizard... This is true! But so often overlooked. I like my Gandalfs to be Mighty Wizard... it brings out the gray in his character, if you catch my meaning. When you happen to catch a Mighty Wizard Gandalf, it's always impressive. These majestic creatures will enliven even the dullest of Ecological-waste fanfictions. Protect the earth: Save a Mighty Wizard Gandalf. A  
  
5.) The old Sex-God... Eeeew... D-  
  
6.) The Ninth member of the Fellowship who like... got killed by some Balrog, right? ... Lack of education, or lack of caring? When Gandalf is shunted to the side of a fanfiction, the fiction shudders and suffers. Gandalf was, in the books, a rather important character... missing out on his potential in fanfiction is a horrible crime. F. No more... maybe less, if it were possible.  
  
I hope you found these Ratings of the Many Different Uses of Gandalf helpful in your daily life.  
  
Have a nice day.  
  
~~~~~ Oboebyrd: No... really. Have a nice day. I mean it. 


	16. Oboebyrd's Guide to the MaryBloom

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
((Mea: I hear, and I respond. ^_^ ))  
  
Chapter 12: Debasing Promising Young Actors for Your Own Use  
  
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is not enough to simply ruin the lives of fictional characters.  
  
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is imperative that they also delve into the life of actors, writers, and directors, and crush them with literary maces of death, destruction, and other maladies of woe... including romance.  
  
However, the most prolific of these type of wonderful Actor-Debasement fictions are the Orlando Bloom fiction. It is, of course, not enough to simply whale on Legolas Greenleaf, who is not real, and thus, cannot read. The good fanfiction writer knows to push it too far, and attack the actor who brought them so much joy in the movies.  
  
1.) Experiment with character. When writing Orlando Bloom fiction, or any other sort of actor fiction, it is important not to know how they actually talk. It is not important to know anything of their character, their morales, their speech pattern. After all, whatever the Formulaic Fanfiction writer writes is obviously right, as this speech pattern is echoed by every other fiction writer as well.  
  
2.) Involve him. It is important, while writing a Real-person fiction, to make it a Mary-Sue or a Slash. Romance is out of the question, of course; Mr. Bloom must fall in love with a Mary-Sue tart, or fall in love with a co-worker. They must have randy sex within the first half chapter. Their romance must be so meaninglessly stupid that it turns out to be nothing more than a Formulaic Fanfiction Writer's sad, lone dream. The Formulaic Fanfiction Writer knows that everyone values their opinion of who they think Orlando Bloom would like to have randy sex with, and who he would like to marry, despite the fact that their character has no personality.  
  
3.) Give the Mary-Sue Character no personality. This may seem to be a conspicuous point, but it is one that is heavily debated among the worlds of Formulaic Fanfiction writers and Fanfiction writers alike. The Mary-Sue type character must have no personality other than good looks, which we all know is a huge asset to any character-type. Any personality present must be forced, and be altered systematically to match up with Mr. Bloom's significantly altered personality, so they appear to be perfect matches for each other.  
  
4.) Give the Mary-Sue Character a traumatic past experience. Whether it is the traumatic death of parents, or a traumatic accident, or a traumatic experience on a trip out of state, or a traumatic incident with a screw-driver, the Mary-Sue character must deal with some sort of horrible, awful thing from her past. She must only regress into states of utter dispair when Mr. Bloom is around and can comfort her. This also holds true for Mr. Bloom himself and fellow cast-members whom the Formulaic Fanfiction Writer is pleased to pair Mr. Bloom up with. Any searching through an actual biography is prohibited.  
  
5.) Include Pathetic Comedy. It is important to include 'funny bits' in the Mary-Sue/Bloom story. These, of course, can not really be that funny, but instead by inside jokes that the Formulaic Fanfiction Author believes everyone else will understand.  
  
Here, I must conclude. I propose to you people to end this shameful disregard of real people's lives and feelings by writing them into shameful scripts.  
  
I would here like to name and denounce the MARY-BLOOM... Orlando Bloom Fiction with a shameful, Mary-Sue twist.  
  
Stop.  
  
~~~~~ Oboebyrd: I mean it, too. 


	17. Oboebyrd's Guide to Abbreviations

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
Chapter 13: Abbreviations  
  
Welcome to Oboebyrd's thoughts on those strange abbreviations that crawl across the good face of FF.net like thousands of little black ants... these are taken from my experiences of reading fanfiction... god help me, but I've noticed some patterns...  
  
  
  
AU: Alternate Universe... aka, not the Universe which is presented in the book. This should, obviously, represent every single Fanfiction, including character thoughts, because the only RU... Real Universe... is the one which Tolkien created.  
  


LOL: Laugh-out-loud. What we do every time we read a Mary-Sue. (See below)

ROTFL: Rolling on the floor laughing. What we do every time we read a Mary-Sue, and when there are not other people in the room.

  
Plz: Also seen as Plees, loosely translated: Please. A kind request, unless is followed by the foreboding words 'Or else!'  
  
R/R: (R&R) Read and review. A pitiful plea for moral assistance from writers.  
  
Thx: Thank you, or shorter, thanks. A general term of giving graciousness for a favor or a gift.  
  
Slash: Male/Male or Female/Female romance or 'smut'. Usually involves little or no true love, is simply an escapist's sex ideal.  
  
Het: Heterosexual relationships. Which means male/female pairings. This occasionally spawns the dread beast: Mary-Sue  
  
Mary-Sue: A romance/smut story which integrates a character of an author's own creation into a storyline. The Mary-Sue falls deeply in love with a major character, preferably Legolas, and he in love with her. Actual relationships are not allowed. An unpopular but long-desired variation is the Bobby-Joe, in which a male character of an author's own creation falls in love with a female character from the books.  
  
M/M: Male/Male... basically slash. Usually a little less graphic. 

Smut: Pornographic fiction. Very graphic.  
  
Mary-Bloom: Of my creation, a Mary-Sue involving real-life actors... preferably Orlando Bloom.  
  
Fluff: 1. Dryer lint, fuzzy, soft objects. 2. Pointless, yet usually cute, fiction. Sometimes romantic in nature, usually just an innocent story, very rarely goes above PG.  
  
Lint: Not generally acknowledged, but Lint stands for 'Love in Nasty Times', also called 'Sex with Dust Bunnies'. It is much like fluff, in which it has no plot, but is much, much more graphic, and is usually rated R or higher.  
  
Lemon: Cheap, and not as good as it appears. Things often go wrong with a 'lemon', often its pointlessness leads to such problems.  
  
OOC: Out of Character... terribly frightening, when the author actually admits it, is it not? (Uhm... yeah... all the credit goes to BurningTyger for that one.)  
  
IC: In character... which is a LIE!  
  
Flames: (v. To be flamed) Hatred directed in reviews towards an author's piece of fiction. Undesirable, unless you have an iron constitution. Flames can also be mild or constructive criticism, which good Formulaic Fanfiction writers react indignantly to and often delete.  
  
*^^*: An evil, archaic symbolism that is believed by many scholars to be a smiley face... the smile deleted by either the evil of the story or the evil of FF.net's uploading process.  
  
Pre-LOTR: Before Larry Olsen's Television Records. No... that's not right. Before Lord of the Rings... perhaps before the Hobbit, maybe even before the Silmarillion! (Okay, maybe not.)  
  
The Canon Police: A small, non-law based group which 'flames' Fanfiction Writers for not staying true to the books. Holds no official power, but is given substantial influence by the anger of Writers who are 'flamed', when they react violently to their appearance by deleting reviews and writing fictions that kill them.  
  
Cannon: Weapon of destruction, more commonly used as a weapon in earlier days, now used mostly as an exhibit in Civil War museums.  
  
Canon: Book. Book values.  
  
JRR: That guy who wrote the Lord of the Rings Books. Referring to him by his first name seems rude, but hey...  
  
Tolkien: Probably a better way to refer to JRR.  
  
Lil: Well possibly a name for a female creature, usually means 'Little'. 

Ya: Familiar usage of 'you'.  
  
Sis: Sister... female blood relative of the same parents.  
  
Bro: Brother... male blood relative of the same parents.  
  
Cuz: 1. Cousin 2. 'cuz, as in 'becuz, or, less popularily, 'because'.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~ Oboebyrd: That's it... no more!


	18. Oboebyrd Rates the Istari

****

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Chapter 14: The Istari

1.) _Curumo_, also called Saruman. While I respect his attempt to bring the word 'tie-dyed' into the Middle-Earth vocabulary, something about him just… set me off. Okay, he tried to destroy all of Middle Earth… that's okay. He tried to rule it under an iron… a white fist… or a white open hand… alright. He tried to take over the Shire! What?

Curse you, Sharkey. No 'Man of Skill' would go through any great lengths to take over a land of three-feet carrot-eaters. 

But some respect must be allowed. He's the oldest of the order of Istari, and the chief of the Istari! Not only that, but the title 'Man of Skill' has to mean something.

So I'll give Curunír a…

****

B. So what if he's evil? Get over it.

2.) _Aiwendil_, otherwise known as Radagast. While I normally love people who enjoy talking with birds and other animals, and who dress in earthy brown, the fact that two of his titles are 'The Simple' and 'The Fool' kind of made him loose a few points. He is the Maiar of Yavanna, the Valar of Fruit giving… of the harvest, I'll venture to say, at risk of being torn apart by the more rabid of fans. So Radagast has it going for him, in the at least as far as the great color and the most recent place he lived. (Anyone who can manage to live in a place called Rhosgobel gets my vote!) 

Radagast gets a C+… I'm sure he's a great guy, inside, but he has to go and kill people who give him such evil titles… 

3.) _Alatar_ dresses in that nice sea-blue. Greenish-blue. Great color. And he came to represent Oromë, who does something, but not having memorized the Silmarillion, I can't quite remember. Not much is known of Alatar… they traveled to the far east, but never returned. My theory is that Sauron swallowed them up, but it's quite possible they just discovered the delights of Chinese cooking.

Alatar brought Pallando 'as a friend', so he is loyal. And his name either means 'Noble Giant' or 'After-comer', probably because he arrived in Middle Earth AFTER Saruman. You can't blame the guy for falling out of notoriety… he who arrives last gets the smallest part of the pie!

B. I like sea blue. He could've done great things if he had only beaten Saruman to the punch. 

4.) _Pallando_ should die. Evil Pallando! First, you steal Alatar's color! (With a name like Pallando, he must have stolen much more than that). You should thank Alatar for bringing you along as a 'friend'. Friend. Yes. 

That is all I know about Pallando. He wears Sea Blue. He traveled into the east and was swallowed up by Sauron with Alatar. He has a good friend. His name means 'Far traveling one'. Or possibly 'One who sings with the tip of their gall bladder'.

**__**

D!!!

5.) _Olórin_, or Gandalf is certainly one of the more beloved of the Istari. After all, look at all the stuff he's done… gotten killed by a Balrog, made pretty fireworks, assist in the inglorious defeat of Saruman… And he was sent by the two big-wigs of the Valar… Manwë and Varda. Hell yes! Anybody who is found to be acceptable for a mission fraught with danger by someone loosely named 'Sublime Star-Queen' has my vote!

****

A! Just for kicks.

But that vote's only for Gandalf the Grey. When he is no longer Grey, he became more or less minorly annoying, what with his sudden need to cow every other member of the Fellowship into doing his will by lording his new-found power over them and bossing everybody around. Oh no. Gandalf the White gets a

****

C-. So there.

Welcome to the world of a brain-freeze at 1 AM, my friends. Forgive me for showing off my 'superior' knowledge of Middle Earth (And my up-to-date and highly accessible copy of _The Silmarillion_). 

~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: Because, deep inside, we all just want to be loved…


	19. Oboebyrd's Guide to Author Notes

Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction  
  
(A/N: Yes, yes, I'm doing an Author's Note. I usually don't, except for itty-bitty little asides up at the top of the chapters, but there's always room for something new, right?  
  
Anywho, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of my reviewers. Especially those of your who zealously review every single chapter, ie Burningtyger, who has been, by far, my most fervid review-buddy. Thanks, Burningtyger.  
  
Of course, considerable graciousness is extended towards every other person who also reviewed. You people are all so smart (With a few exceptions that shall not be named), and more often than not have added things to my chapters that I feel like a fool for forgetting about when I read the reviews. If you haven't yet read the reviews of this Guide, I think you really should. Especially the ones dealing with the Thranduil chapter, because I apparently missed quite a bit in my short little essay. I am a bad, bad person. A person who usually does these chapters in about an hour or so, actually. It's not like these are thought out.  
  
All the stories that are thought out are ignored by reviewers. I spent... what... about three hours last night writing the fifth chapter of my murder mystery Night Whispers, and yet only three people have reviewed. I don't write for reviews, but that rather annoys me. Sure, it's rated 'R', and it's in the 'Scooby-Doo' section of FF.net, and if you want reviews you should not write for Scooby-Doo and especially not at a mature rating, but still. Three hours amount to naught. ::Sob::  
  
I've already told you before what I think of people who shamelessly plug for their own stories in reviews. I think as much about people who plug their own stories in their other stories- if we like their stuff, we'll click on their author-name and see it there, right? So I was not plugging. Honestly. Really. I WASN'T PLUGGING, DAMN IT!  
  
Stop staring at me like that. Stop it. I just want to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved. That is all. WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE BELIEVE ME!?!?  
  
The pounding noises won't stop. Drums... drums in the deep of my BRAIN. And the wastebasket... where the hell is the wastebasket? Where? WHERE? THE STUPID ANONYMOUS REVIEWERS HAVE IT, THAT'S WHO!  
  
I slave, slave, slave away, and then they don't even make up a name to go by when they review! They just... just... type in something, and leave it like that! BLANK SPACE! I can't take the blankness! Blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank...  
  
No, I am NOT insane! I don't care what the bunnies tell you! I AM NOT INSANE! NOT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT CRAZY!  
  
I don't wanna go to the market, mama...  
  
This has gone on awhile.. I guess I'd better just... move onto the chapter... not that those anonymous reviewers will even CARE!!!!!  
  
Chapter 15: Author Notes  
  
Whoops... sorry... no room for this anymore...  
  
  
  
~~~ Oboebyrd: Just hoping that shock-value would override your desires for good- taste on this one, folks... ^_^ ... but I'm also very easily amused... 


	20. Oboebyrd's REAL Guide to Writing Author'...

**Oboebyrd's**** Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction**

I received a lot of threats. I also received a lot of complaints from people who said "I know this is a satire" and then proceeded to give me every bit of evidence I needed to determine that they did not, in fact, know what a satire is. Nevertheless, I came back…

Chapter 15: The REAL Guide to Author's Notes

1.) Make it insanely long and pointless.

As I'm sure the previous chapter demonstrated, there should be no end to your Author's Notes. Your audience has infinitely more interest in what you have to say about your life than in what you have to write about. Make sure your author note, if possible, exceeds five complete sentences; if possible, five complete paragraphs. Once you truly master art of writing Formulaic Fanfiction, you can truly raise to the occasion- you can try to make your author notes longer than the actual story.

                                    _CAUTION: Do not attempt this until you have completed at least one tangent fiction!_

2.) Extort Reviews.

I can not stress the importance of what an Author's Note is truly for; it is not to alert a reader to historical or mythological data you are using in your story that the reader might not be familiar with, nor is it to inform the reader of the possibility of some material which they may be disgusted or horrified by! It is there for three reasons, the most important of these being to extort reviews from your readers! This is the part of the story dedicated to threatening your readers that you will stop writing if they do not meet your quota of reviews OR if they flame you! Make sure to include a demand for sugary-sweet, falsified reviews in every chapter; use your Author's Notes section to its fullest.

3.) Insult various reviewers.

This part is an essential and integral part of the successful Author's Note. This, however, should only be used in the second or third chapter, once reviews have been posted to your obviously superior story. Since the Author's Note space is there, fill it with obscenities and complaints to those reviewers who did not think your story was 'perfect'. Make sure to point out why the reviewer was obviously wrong in his judgment by using such words as 'stoopid' and 'mean' and '@$$hole'. Also, embrace the kinder side of writing; take this space to thank the wonderful reviewers who uttered such pleasantries as "this iz a gud storie rite more plz!" For they, dear children, are the backbone of reviews. 

4.) Include details about your personal life.

There is nothing the casual reader desires more than to hear about how you got into a fight with your sister or passed a math exam. The third and final integral part of each Author's Note you write should be to include as many personal details as you see fit. As always, more is always better- the more space you take up telling the reader all the sordid details about your life, the more sympathetic and kind they will be to you. Telling the readers how much you _adore reviews (Especially in the form of 'i luv review please R/R!!!!!') is especially helpful in helping you get those reviews that are the sole reward of writing._

5.) Don't warn the readers that the Author Note is ending

Though some kindly fan fiction writers have taken up the habit of putting all Author's Notes in a parenthetical aside ((Such as this)), these helpful but misguided writers are not preparing the average reader for the REAL fictions of the world- the ones where the Author's Notes flow seamlessly into the rest of the story. Make sure you do not separate your Author's Notes from the rest of the story!

And remember: "Just because you write Author's Notes doesn't mean you have to be an Author!" 

I hope you found this guide to creating the perfect Author's Note (Abbreviation: A/N) helpful in creating your future star of FF.net's eye. Next week: Oboebyrd Presents: Tangent Fiction!      


	21. Oboebyrd Presents: Tangent Fiction!

**Oboebyrd's**** Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction**

Chapter 16: 

Oboebyrd Presents: Tangent Fiction

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The kind of beautiful day that sent bright and cheerful maidens to singing ballads about dragons and princes that came to sing to them. Like the ballads that Rapunzel must have sung before her prince came to rescue her, or the songs that Sleeping Beauty probably would have sung (If she hadn't been sleeping right Sarah? ^_^) The kind of day that made everyone happy, even grouchy old Dwarves like Gimli.

Gimli was a grouchy old Dwarf and not even a beautiful day would make him happy. He had no beautiful and cheerful maidens to sing to him after all. A long time ago he had fallen in love with a beautiful Dwarf Woman (well she had a beard like all Dwarves do, just like Tolkien said! All Dwarves having beards- that's gross!) who had not liked him back. That had made Gimli very mad and he had gone to complain to his father, who had not been able to do a thing. Gimli's father, after all, had also been rejected by quite a few Dwarven women before he finally met Gimli's mother. Gimli's mother was, or had been before she got really old like she was now, the prettiest Dwarf in the city (Oops did I say city, I meant mine!) and everyone thought that Gloin (That's Gimli's dad's name) was very lucky to be able to marry her.

Legolas and Aragorn were happy on this beautiful day however and that only annoyed Gimli even more. He had always been annoyed by the Elf and the Elf never really liked him at first either; that was before they got along really well of course and learned to like each other, like my friend Jenny finally started getting along with her boyfriend (oops! Inside joke!) and they hated each other first and eventually fell in love- not that Legolas and Gimli would ever fall in love of course! That is just smutty smut and I don't write that! Really good smut is by Madeupname12, check it out! Anyway, Gimli got even more mad because his two friends were so happy.

  
"What is wrong, Gimli?" Legolas asked, noticing Gimli's dark glare and stare. It was hard not to notice when Gimli glowered- after all, the Dwarf's face was nothing BUT a frown when he did frown (kind of like Jenny's boyfriend's toads, lol!) so it was hard to miss! And of course Legolas wanted to know why Gimli was frowning since they were both very good friends and it was important for him to know why Gimli was upset or happy since they were friends!

"I am upset," Gimli said, looking very upset because he was upset. Gimli grunted into his beard and his frown got even larger so he didn't have a toad face anymore but now had more of a flat… mushy face… (LOL! I don't know)

"You look very unhappy" Aragorn said, but he didn't look too concerned because he was thinking about Arwen and he loved Arwen very much. They had been in love for almost twenty years and that was a really long time for him to love someone so much but not very long for an Elf because Elves are immortal just like Legolas! Elrond after all lived during the time that Sauron was defeated the first time and how can someone get that old without being immortal or maybe having some sort of really good immortality drink? Elven Alchemists in the Mirkwood Forests probably mixed some sort of immortality drink even though they probably didn't need it, but maybe they gave it to their pets since Elves love animals and the world around them and pets certainly fall into that category! And pets are not immortal, except for my immortal Finch of course! (True story, Finch are supposed to only live 4 years and mine is going on 11 as we speak!)

"I look unhappy because I AM unhappy!" Gimli bellowed and that was certainly true because he was remembering when he had once been younger and fallen in love with a beautiful Dwarf girl but she had rejected him and such memories made him very sad indeed but he couldn't help thinking about her beauty (beardy beauty, lol) every time there was such a beautiful day as it was today. 

Legolas looked very upset because whenever his friend was upset he got upset too and he desperately wanted to make Gimli feel better because if Gimli felt better he was sure he would too. "What can we do to make you feel better Gimli so you won't feel so bad anymore?" Legolas asked.

Gimli frowned even more and his face became even… mushier… (Lol!) "There is nothing you can do Legolas my friend, I am sorry," Gimli said, truly sorry because Legolas was his friend and he knew that his being upset made Legolas upset as well. 

"Well I hope you feel better soon," Aragorn said, not really caring too much because he was having wonderful thoughts about Arwen who he loved very much, even though her father didn't approve but what did a stuffy old Elf like Elrond know anyway? Aragorn had had a few run ins with Elrond before over his love Arwen and he was certain that Elrond was just a stuffy old fool who didn't like him because he loved his daughter and that upset Elrond because Elrond was greedy. 

The three companions walked down the path and it was a good day for this walk because it was a beautiful day and there is nothing better to do a beautiful day then walk, unless you are a beautiful maiden and then you sing so your prince in shining armor will come and rescue you!

It is the End!  

Next week: Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Parodies Involving your Friends!


	22. Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Chapters

**Oboebyrd's**** Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction**

Chapter 17: Chapter Writing

The 'Create New Chapter' ability here at Fanfiction.net is simply remarkable- and a boon to the properly trained writer, as well. You no longer have to make your entire 800 word story into one long, impossible to read chapter- now you can split it up, with ease, into 2, 3, even 800 chapters, if you so desire! The Guide hopes to help you exploit this function and milk every review out of it that you can.

_1.) __Remember, no one likes to read a long chapter._

That's right, you've encountered it before- people who post 28, 29, even 30 chapters in their story- and make each chapter 2,000 or 3,000 words long! No one wants to spend their time reading that many words all in a row- it takes too long! Everyone knows the average reader has absolutely no attention span. Give your reader what they want- keep your chapters short, hopefully under 200 words. If you can't fit everything into under 200 words, 300 or 350 is okay, but anymore is pushing it; you don't want to loose the attention of your readers, do you?

_2.) __Don't you DARE post it all at once!_

So you've already completed your story, have you, and want to post it all at once? What are you thinking? No, don't! It's bad enough that your chapter is now reaching 400+ words… now you're going to drive your readership insane by posting three or four of those enormous chapters at once? Your readership is patient- they will happily return to your story to see what happens to Aragorn's new love, the beautiful elfess Aradefelbla, in the dungeons of the evil King Thranduil of Mirkwood. Update every other week or so; as soon as the reviews start petering off, update again. If you're not actually done with a chapter before the reviews start petering off- you're obviously writing this story as you go along and encountered writer's block, and who does that? 

_3.) __Tab, don't double space._

Due to whatever HTMLing process Fanfiction.net uses to post our stories, we all know that the TAB function doesn't carry over from our computer to Fanfiction.net's servers. The process some authors use to differentiate paragraphs in their chapter is to double-space… _DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Though the process 'enter, tab, type' fails to apply in these circumstances, it's still what Mrs. Johnson in 3rd grade taught us to do, and Mrs. Johnson is always right. Even when your 200 word chapter turns into an unintelligible mass of letters, you can rest safely in the fact that, through everything, you remained faithful to Mrs. Johnson._

4.) _Use Transition Chapters_

Even if you insist on writing a chapter that is 500+ words long (In which case you have already violated rule #1, and I can't help you if people lose interest and skim your story for the short paragraphs) then you'll need to include transition chapters. Between every long chapter, include a chapter that is a mere paragraph or two long. Twenty words tops is the locally accepted limit; just long enough for you to let the audience know that Legolas and his beautiful elemental sorceress are done slaying the Balro…ck…thing in Moria, and are now walking up a mountain. That way, they can be in Lothlorien the next chapter, without ever having to describe what actually happens between Moria and there! Transition chapters are essential for making those longer stories flow naturally.

I hope you have found this guide to writing chapters helpful, and that you will now properly be able to use the 'chapter' function on Fanfiction.net. Next week, I will regale you with something, and since I can't keep my promises about what to update with, I'm not going to tell you what it is!


	23. Oboebyrd's Guide to Crossovers that Invo...

**Oboebyrd's**** Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction**

For those of us who look down upon Mary-Sues, writing crossovers that involve your friends are often our only outlet for humor, romance, or poking fun at our friends in ways that they can't really get back at you for. Everyone has written a story that involves a friend, or someone like them, interacting with the protagonists from their favorite story- but not everyone has the courage to actually post them on Fanfiction.net where everyone and their literate dog can read them. 

For those few, brave souls who wish to improve their crossover skills, and for those who wish to write a crossover involving their friends that's good enough to post on Fanfiction.net, I humbly present to you…

Chapter 18: Writing Crossovers that Involve Your Friends

We all have to do it- after all, our friends are central in our life, perhaps even closer to us that our life-sized card-board cut-out of Orlando Bloom. So writing, and posting, a story involving your friends and their exploits in Middle Earth, or the Fellowship and their exploits in Wal-mart, your house, your bedroom etc., is inevitable, and should be required of every fanfiction.net author in the databases. 

These forays into the minds of your friends can be humorous to readers, as they sit back and watch the Fellowship go insane with three or four people they have never met before and know nothing about. But can they be masterpieces of fiction? Follow these rules, and I guarantee you will have your audience laughing until they hurt themselves- or maybe just hurting themselves.

1.) _Invent an unrealistic reason for the two character-sets to be interacting._

Has a portal opened underneath your friends, and they fall into Middle Earth? Did you use your Author Powers to zap Legolas and all the other Hot Elves in the movie into your living room? Or, my person favorite; Have you and your best friend tried summoning salt demons out of a Morton's ™ Salt Bag, and ended up with the Fellowship instead? The reason that your friends and the Fellowship meet must be the most implausible reason you can come up with. That creepy lady in the house down the street is a witch and teleported you to Middle Earth! The Valar decide to send the Fellowship to help you do housework! Anything, really, is implausible enough to work.

2.) _Take your anger out on your friends._

Fighting with one of your best friends while you're writing the fiction? Don't waste this opportunity- take it out on them while the taking-out is good. Have your friend be killed repeatedly by Gollum, or make him/her marry Sauron! Don't worry- you can always resurrect your good friend later, when you're no longer angry with them. Besides, if the friend you're brutally murdering with smelly Hobbit-feet reads the story, they'll just laugh, think you're joking… but you know the truth, and can laugh at them behind their back… mwahaha.

3.) _Don't worry about making anyone act like they really would._

That includes both members of the Fellowship and your friends- after all, why would they continue to act like they do now if they were taken to another dimension? So your friend Eggbert is a road-scholar and has traveled around the United States twice? There's no reason he can't get you hopelessly lost in Middle Earth! So what if Celeborn is a mighty, respectable king of Elves- he can still giggle like a ninny as he discovers a bike and rides up and down the aisles of Sears! Keeping your portrayal of characters both consistent and true to their actual characteristics is time-consuming, both for you, the writer, and for your readers… what you all really want to do is get to the funny.

4.) _Don't bother trying to make it funny…_

Because unless you can clearly develop your friend's personalities before-hand so the readers all know who they are and what they act like, and unless you can make Tolkien's characters similarly true to form, it won't be funny to anyone except you and your friends. Or at least, to your friends who aren't being killed by Gollum. Those few people who don't know you but laugh at your story are probably just frightened of you.

5.) _…instead, make it completely insane._

There's no humor like humor that gets you locked up in a white, cushiony room, I like to say. Since stories that involve under developed characters can't be funny in more than a peripheral way, you must get your laughs by invoking utter fear. Crossovers are only funny because we see the unusual antics of our beloved Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo; so make everything they do completely out of character. That insanity is what gets you your laughs, and your Almighty Reviews.

_6.) __Use a script-writing format_

Don't use paragraphs, quotation marks, or really anything that shows you have a proper grasp of dialogue and descriptive language. Crossovers involving your friends are meant to be quick (though some can stretch on for 50 pages), funny (if read by people you know) and most importantly, easy to read (though grammar mistakes usually even trump that). Thus, the only proper format for these is script format- each character spews out 'funny' lines one after another. Action (meaning movements) should be sparse, and rarely well-explained enough to make sense to the reader.

7.) _Make everything an inside joke._

This is the bastion of all good formulaic fanfiction- including jokes that make no sense to anyone but the people involved. Sometimes these jokes can be funny regardless of if people understand, because they're just so insane… usually, they're just tiresome and confusing. 

I hope this guide helps you to write the perfect crossover involving your friends. Next week, another chapter that will shock and delight you. Or maybe nothing, because that would also shock and delight you.

And now, a chapter from my own, hideously long, unfunny, and still uncompleted crossover…

**_Chapter 2: The Magic Apple_**

_The Cast:_

The good guys: Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, and Gimli

            The bad guys: None yet

            The strange guys: Ice_ur, Oboebyrd, Marilyn, Vicki, John

_Setting:_ The ruins of Orthanc, very late at night. Our heroes sit around a fire.

Pippin: And then Treebeard stepped on the Orc and crushed it into slimy goo!

Merry: And then they shot flaming arrows at this beautiful thin roan tree called Quickbeam. He went up in flames, and that angered the Ents even more. They pulled the very stones down with their hands alone. 

Legolas: It seems you have quite the story to relate to us.

Gimli: We too have a tale to tell! Tailing you two was not the easiest task, even though we followed a horde of heavy-footed Orcs and Uruk-hai! 

Aragorn: We all have many a story to relate, but it is too late for tale-telling, at least for now. Perhaps we should look at these. He spreads five objects across his Elven cloak in front of the fire. A dagger, a dead mouse, an egg, an apple, and this odd cork-screw type thing. I can find no way in which they relate to each other… but yet, they were given to us by Gandalf, so they must have some meaning.

Pippin picks up the dead mouse by the tail, dangling it in front of his eyes.   
  
Pippin: Or perhaps Gandalf has just gone loony.

Legolas: Silence, silly Hobbit, don't speak of the wizard that way. 

Gimli: And put that mouse down- you don't know what it could do. Perhaps it could turn you into a toad.

Merry: Maybe you'd better hang onto that, Pippin. Frog's legs sound good.

Pippin turns bright red and sets the mouse carefully back down. 

Pippin: I'm hungry…

Aragorn: Shakes his head, smiling slightly. These… objects… they could be magical talismans.

Legolas: There are five of them- one for each of us gathered here. Perhaps that has some meaning. 

Gimli: Are they really talismans? He carefully picks up the corkscrew one, holding it gently in his stout hand. If so, how could you activate them?

The talisman in his hand begins to glow.   
  
Aragorn: Gimli…

Gimli: Oh! He drops the talisman, as if hoping that would turn its power off. Instead, it hits the other talismans. For one second, the talismans turn different colors- the apple becomes a diagram of where they are now, the dead mouse turns into a first-aid sign, the glass egg a doorway and the dagger a skull.   
  
And then, an enormous hole opens in the earth in front of them, and they are all pulled in.

They arrive a moment later, suddenly crammed in, packed in among each other. The box they are in explodes, and they fall to the ground in a cascade of salt. There is one more in their number. 

Legolas: From the bottom of the pile. Good job, Gimli!

Gimli: Growls. 

Aragorn: Jumps to his feet. By the Valar, where are we?

The Fellowship glances around in confusion.   
  
Boromir: The lights in the ceiling- so incredibly bright! Much brighter than a normal torch…

Everyone else jumps back with a shout, and then…   
  
Aragorn: Boromir! You're alive!

Boromir: Slowly, a little surprised. Yes… I am alive. Should we be surprised by that?

Aragorn: You had died!

Boromir: Looks down at his salt-stained clothing, wipes some white powder from the chain mail. I realize I look a mess, but so do you, you realize…

Legolas: Aragorn has a point, my friend- you died. We all witnessed it. 

Boromir is silent for awhile, and then, he just shrugs. 

Boromir: I guess I'm not dead anymore.

There are a few more moments of silence as the Fellowship glances around, silent, not too prepared to do anything yet.   
  
Aragorn: One of the talismans must have activated some sort of portal, and that portal took us here.

Legolas: The talismans are here. He picks up four talismans. Where is the apple? That was the one that looked like a talisman to home.

There is another pause as the members of the Fellowship look around. They look twice over Pippin, who is munching on something, before noticing him.   
  
Aragorn: Pippin…

Legolas: … is that…

Gimli: … the magic apple?

Pippin: Stops in mid-chew, glances at the half-eaten apple in his hand. He begins to turn white. 

Gimli: Roaring YOU ATE THE MAGIC APPLE?

Pippin: Backs slowly away. 

Oboebyrd and Ice_ur had run when the crate exploded, and are now watching this entire situation through the foggy window in the meat butchery. 

Oboebyrd: This is really bad…

Ice_ur: Go tell Marilyn and Vicki.

Oboebyrd: Me? Why?

Ice_ur: This is all your fault!

Oboebyrd: You were the one who summoned them here!  
  
Ice_ur: Are you kidding? I didn't know what I was doing!

Oboebyrd: But you waved her hands, shouted, 'come', and they came! This is your fault!

Ice_ur: Let's go tell them together.

  
Oboebyrd: No. Someone has to watch to make sure they don't go anywhere.

Gimli has grabbed Pippin by the shoulders and is shaking him violently.   
  
Gimli: FOOL OF A TOOK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Oboebyrd is silent.   
  
Oboebyrd: I'll go tell Marilyn. She starts towards the door. 

Ice_ur: Oh, no! You're staying here and watching these sociopaths!

They both start struggling and fighting to get to the door first. Then, the main door to the stock room opens, and John comes in, holding a damp cloth to his eye, stumbling slightly. 

Oboebyrd: Pst! John, in here! Quick!

John: I'm not going in there!

The Fellowship looks over. 

Aragorn: Who are you?

John: Who are YOU?

Gimli: An Orc! Mistaking John's bruised face for an Orc's face, he draws his ax.   
  
This, at least, gets through his thick skull. John turns and makes a break for the door- Oboebyrd and Ice_ur, unwilling to be trapped there, take off after him.   
  
Aragorn: Hold, Gimli! He grabs Gimli's shoulder before the Dwarf can take off after John. Do not rush blindly into a fight… these people appear to be unarmed. Perhaps they are not dangerous. After all, it appears that _we are in _their_ domain._

Gimli 'haruumphs' into his beard. 

Legolas: Let us go speak with them. Perhaps they can help us find a replacement for our magical apple.

The Fellowship cautiously pushes aside the doors, and steps into the world of FHF…

Minimal access to a computer makes the posting infrequent- sorry.


End file.
